Merry Creepy Christmas

       As  a Jew I always had a vague distaste for Christmas.  It was an outsider thing.  It was a commercial thing.  It was a celebration of all that was wrong with separation of church and state.  Now, after a Christmas in retail, I hate it with a burning passion.  Actively hate it.  The Grinch seems like he had a good idea.  Hell, after the way people act on Christmas in stores, the Grinch actually seems friendly and kind.  People suck.  I don't mean that they can.  I mean that they do.  There's screaming and insults and ethnocentric unintended announcements of latent racism.  It's a fun time for all.  And the "reason for the season"?  It's not Jesus.  Man, Christmas comes late in the world of winter holidays.  The solstice came first, as a geological/astronomical occurrence.  Then people came.  Then Yule.  Then Hanukkah (and if I hear one joke about spelling i will end you).  Then Christmas.  The reason?  People get cold in the winter.  Food supplies dwindle.  Though not very economic (and it still isn't) it raised spirits in the coldest, bleakest season.  Suicide, my friends, is the reason for the season.  Not Jesus.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is a Christian.

       You might be able to tell I've gotten a bit of a temper this season.  Indeed I have.  Come to Borders when I close and you'll be able to tell.  From my calling people "Borders Trespassers" to announcing that "In 5 minutes you will find it hard to read, as the lights will be out.  You will also find it difficult to buy your books, as the registers are shut down.  Lastly, you will find the doors locked, making it hard to leave and throwing a damper on the rest of your nights plans".  This is because when the store is closed I tend to get peeved at the group of angsty teenagers who are sitting in history, reading magazines they will not put back in the right spot.  Also, Guns and Ammo does not go in the kid's section.  For a laugh, come by tomorrow night.  Every minute, on the minute, after the store closes I am going to get on the paging system and announce the twist ending of a book or movie.  Laughs will ensue.  The day before Christmas was my crowning glory.  To give you perspective, the police had to close the entrance to make enough room in the parking lot to enable people to leave.  Before that it was about 1 car length every hour or so.  No exaggeration.  Anyway, Alex (the register guy next to me) was having one of those customers who keeps bragging about Barnes and Noble as if they birthed it.  IT has a better location.  They have more people.  Blah blah blah.  I lean over, look cautiously to increase suspense and say loud enough only for Alex and the customer to hear, "Well, it's not a well advertised fact, but Barnes and Noble eats babies."  The customer stares at me.  "What?"  "Yeah.  Every now and then, they eat a baby."  I have never done anything so freeing at work before.  The only thing that even compares to that instance was everyone's reactions when they hear what I did.        Presents went well this year so far.  I made a bunch of DVDs for people.  This includes the Star Wars DVDS (non special edition) as well as Harry Potter with 2 alternative audio tracks.  Yes, I have a DVD with the Wizard People track on it.  It's magnificent.  I'm pretty much done with making my gifts.  I thought the Potter dub mixing would be the hardest, and it did take me about a month of tweaking to get it right, but Jeff's mix is just growing exponentially.  It started as a simple mix but I've since then pulled tracks from about 80 albums to mix.  It may be a 4 disc themed set or even a (dare I say it) cross-reference mood mix.  Who knows.  It will, however, be made of pure concentrated ass-kicking.        On a closing note, pun intended, Quin must be stopped.  She's a wreck.  It is so hard to work when she's on.  Being cafe trained, there's just a fear of when she'll ask for a 10.  A break I will undoubtedly be asked to cover.  The only thing worse than that is, god forbid, taking over after her shift.  I don't know why but she not only doesn't do anything that she should to keep the cafe running, she actively does things to mess it up.  I don't have a list on me, but it goes far beyond the simple "empty" post-its on coffee pitchers and not refilling the espresso beans, or milk, or cream, or ice, or cups, or filters.  She shifts the coffee pots and bean buckets to the wrong places, stuffs the drains with teabags, doesn't do a single dish for entire shifts.  She has to be taught a lesson.  I've yelled at her, even alluded to slavery and beatings.  She thinks it's all a joke.  So, Jeff (not the mix guy, but cafe Jeff) has stepped up to teach her a lesson.  Better than the time she nearly cried when I told her she wasn't allowed breaks anymore, Jeff has left the food counter empty.  Now, to those who may not be familiar with cafe protocol, the food for the next day is to be set up at night, wrapped and put in the counter.  The next day, to shorten set up time, all one has to do is unwrap the food an put it back.  Then you're done.  Well, she had nothing in the cases when Jeff took over.  Well, close to it.  So her lesson is this:

She gets nothing in the case when she opens tomorrow.  I think that sounds fair.  And I mean nothing.  There're 3 apple bars on a tray and that is all.  No sandwiches, cakes, pretzels, brownies, etc.  Not a single item.  There are two downsides to this.  One is that I close tomorrow so I won't be able to see her reaction.  The other is that Jeff may well make her cry before I do and that just won't seem right.

I say a oh-my and a boo-hoo

       Good lord, it's been a long time since I've updated. I'd like to say it's because I've been so busy but really, I keep forgetting. Work is wearing the hell out of me and I seem to plop myself down whenever I get free time. Down time has become just that. I suppose I should pick up right after I left off. Pittsburgh.
       Pitt was pretty laid back. A bit more lax than I expected but it was nice all the same. Al and I got to do nearly everything we wanted. The one thing that we didn't get to do was confront Kate or, as it turns out other people also know her as, Psycho Kate. I know so many people that I find I need to add qualifiers to their names in order to let people know who I'm talking about. It's always so comforting to find other people using the same adjectives to group the people you know. We both wanted to see her at Hillel and confront her. Alas, she did now show. Perhaps it was because she read my announcement about being there in my blog, but to assume that would be to presume too much. All I know is that I regret not being able to tell her the real reason I didn't get to spend all my time with her that special night at Hillel last year. The rest of the visit was fine. Oh, I nearly forgot. On the way there we found out that Allison's car's gas meter does not change while driving. And when you see cars chug to a stop after running out of gas, well, it really works like that.
       The rest of my life has been the usual: comics, books, movies, work. I've finished off the Marvel at work, almost all the DC and almost all the graphic novels too. NYX sucks. Superman: Birthright was surprisingly good. I don't think that there's anything good out about the mutant academy and the X-Men are really losing their edge. But that's ok because apparently Marvel is now publishing The End of their universe, where all the mutants die. Good for them. The new Potter was great. In fact, I think that this Wednesday I'm going to see it on I-Max. RENT was terrible. Worse than I was expecting. Chris Columbus: just when you give us hope that you'll go through a renaissance you manage to push out the most amateur work yet.  And yes, I am looking at Home Alone.  The script pacing, the faux dialog, the "establishing long shot, pan and scan interior shot" formula.  It was bad.  And cutting out songs that were on the movie soundtrack from the movie?  That's just bizarre.
       I could go on for pages just on the customers at work.  I'll just do a summary, though.  The majority of people in the world are at least borderline retarded.  I've been asked for help and then physically pushed out of the way so the customer can pick up the wrong item twice.  I've been cursed out by an old lady for politely telling her that she's not allowed behind the registers.  As an open letter to all book shoppers everywhere I submit the following:
                                          Please stop.  It doesn't matter what.  Just stop it.  It's most likely the wrong thing to do.
       I think I'm going to call it quits for the night.  Time to pack for Atlantic City, pop some pills and get to bed.  I have plenty more anecdotes but when I don't write in (blog-relative) eral time they just sort of fade out.  I'll work on that.  Till then, please stop shopping anywhere.  Give us all a break in retail.  Just... build something out of paper-mache.  Write a poem.  Wait, don't write a poem.  Make something out of duct-tape and be all "original".  Just don't shop.

PITTSBURGH

       I will be in Pittsburgh. All day Friday through Monday afternoon. I expect much partying. Beakniks/Porch-folk, this means you. Jews, you too! Comment/respond post-haste. Drop a line and tell me when you guys want to rock out with your socks out. Beaks, how does Saturday night look?

Shorty

       Today I had someone ask for a bunch of out of print books (that they knew were out of print) by Friday.  I also had a teacher request the text she is teaching from.  Her first class is tomorrow.  In retaliation to stupidity I found my Freddy scripts and banged out a new strip.  Freddy and the Scream is back.
      

      

      Or go to the site here.

All in a days work...

       So we got in these official lightsaber replicas at work.  They have motion sensors to make noises when you hold it still, swing it or hit something.  Full length "blade" that powers up and down.  It's fucking sweet.  I got into 3 duels before my lunch.  Yeah, pretty fucking sweet...

Update from the whirl of words

       This is more of an update than a post, really.  I've been wracking my brains for a one act to submit to PlayOffs.  As much as I hate to admit it, I really want to win.  Stupid people trying to help me out.  Damn you all!  But yeah, the winner gets rehearsal space and a (tiny) budget to do a production for finals.  And the winner of that wins (a tiny) $100.  More than that, though, anyone chosen to participate gets full casting and directing control.  That would be a nice something to have under my belt.
       On another creative note I just found my Freddy and the Scream portfolio.  That means I have scripts again!  More Freddy soon to come!  I've gotten a couple of complaints/requests for them but I didn't know what I had planned.  Sorry guys.  Now I have the whole plot back and you'll be seeing strips popping up once more.
       Let's see.  Play contest, Freddy comics...  I still have a few fiction submissions floating around out there but worst comes to worst I can crawl back to the Cerebral Catalyst for some more credits.  Kidding, really.  Because I love.  Oh!  I bought a pirate coat.  Should be here by Friday.  I got it online but saw it in a costume shop toady in the color I ordered: burgundy.  It looks nice.  I will be one mighty fine Captain Hook.  I wanted to go as Hook pre hand cutting incident but Allison says no one will get it.  And if anyone wants to buy me a present, get me this.
       I guess that's all to say.  I told you it was more of an update than a real post.  Just saying that I've come up with material, not what the material actually is.  Thank you and good night.

The write stuff

       So, I've decided to start writing more.  This is a bit of necessity from two places.  One, i need to write.  It's why I switched majors to it, it's why I put the screw to my high school way back when.  It's what I do.... it's who I am.  Two, I'm gonna try to bang out a one act for this competition.  And it's come to my attention that in order to write I can't involve myself in politics.  It's either fiction of gonzo for me.  I gotta pick one.
       It's junk culture and society for me.  Anything but world affairs.  And that means Degrassi.  Thank god I get Fridays are since next Friday is the start of the new season.  No more shame.  I love Degrassi.  Deal with it.  And I love Jae, my Degrassi slut. 
       Ok, so the reason for the Degrassi harping is that there's a special behind the scenes thing of it on right now.  Also, Jae was rejecting America and China just to be sent to Canada to learn the ways of Degrassi.  And I have to say, the writers are actually pretty together on this show.  They're talking about these rules that they have that really help it even though it's not so obvious when watching.  They are forbidden to write a scene in which there are adults talking without any kids present.  Kids have to solve the issues.  And even though the rules are for high school soap it makes for good soap.  I know it's not Shakespeare, but if they tried to make it as high as that then it would be a terrible kid's soap. These guys really know how to write their form.  Kudos to them.
       In the vein of bad (subjectively), does anyone else miss Just Deal?  With Kaylee?  Just me?  Ok.

       I have actually been having ideas recently.  For stories and whatnot.  Characters pop up, plots.  Even little narrative strains.  And they come when I'm not popping pills, which is the second best part!  The best is that the ideas come at all.  I went through a few months of dry mindedness.  I don't want to jinx it, but I have fodder now.  In fact, I think I'm going to go off and start on a new story right now. 

       One last Degrassi note.  What ever happened to Spinner's sister?

A meme is born

       Now you can hate like a local... anywhere in the world!  This is what the internet was made for.  Other than porn.  Funny note:  I stumbled on this while trying to find the right spelling of kike (either kike or kyke).  What I found was an education.

Low-Fat Apple Struessel Muffin

from

       A woman came up to the cafe today and started asking about muffins.  It was hilarious.  Let me recount the tale:

Her:  I'll have the low-fat banana nut muffin.
Me:  Actually, it's the low-fat apple muffin.
Her:  Ok, I'll have that.
Me:  Actually, we're out of that.
Her:  That's ok.  I'll have the banana nut muffin.  Is it the same thing as the apple muffin?
Me:  Yeah, it's the same.  Except it doesn't have any apple in it.  And it has bananas and nuts. 

At this point a woman on line started laughing hysterically, trying to hold back but not very successfully.  "That's why it's called a banana nut muffin," she gasped.

I was dead serious at the time but going over it again, I'm crying because I'm laughing so hard.  Oh, lord.

Wolverine: Soultaker

       Normally I don't review comics I read.  There are a few I swear by (Transmet being one) and a bunch I simply enjoy.  There are also a lot I read and don't care about.  I get through about two graphic novels a day at work and have pretty much ready everything Marvel in the store.  I'm working my way through the better Batman as we speak.  But today I read Wolverine: Soultaker and knew I had to tell you about it.        It is, as far as I can recall, the worst comic I have ever read.  It's not just the style, the plot or the basic concepts they play with.  It's the combined gestalt of the work that destroys anything and everything that writers and artists have done since the first comic on the cave walls in Africa.  Don't believe it can be that bad?  At Amazon.com the summary reads as follows:

Like Ninjas? Zombies? Wolverine? Want to see Wolverine fight ninjas and zombies? Then this is the book for you! Wolverine returns to Japan only to get caught in the middle of an ancient war between gods and demons! Can Logan tip the balance for good - and save his soul, Japan and the world? And what does the mysterious Mark of Mana have to do with it? Collects Wolverine: Soultaker #1-5.

       Yes, it's that bad.  In the comic, Wolverine travels to Japan and unleashes the souls of two warring sister/gods out of a magical necklace.  Then, zombie-ninjas (both at the same time) come to like to track down the Sword of Blood, which houses the souls of the ancestors of the sisters.  With it, the evil sister can open a gateway to the demon realm and unleash them upon Earth because she was raised in the suburbs and likes to cause trouble when she's bored.  Wolverine, unbeknownst to the evil one, has his claws purified, blessed and covered in gold.  This is enough to destroy the bad sister and save everyone.  Oh, also, at the end one of Wolverine's friends shows up with a little girl.  The girl hears the sword whispering and the good sister is shocked.  Apparently only the descendants of her line can hear the souls inside!  Here we go again.... Hahaha.        Yeah, it would be funny except that's what the comic really is.  As a joke, it would be funny.  As a fanfic it would be typical.  As actual Marvel material it's depressing.  Yes folks, it's canon.  Accept it.  Marvel has published it.  Want to kill someone?  Me too.        My theory is someone wrote the fanfic, slept with everyone at Marvel and actually got it made.  That's all I can think of.  If you have a better theory, let me know.  Man, I don't even need to review this thing.  It's just pure tripe.  There is nothing to critique because... Well, imagine if you were an editor and someone handed you a manuscript.  Instead of ink, it was printed with actual human feces.  And the punctuation points are pubic lice.  Oh, and it's not original, it's just all of the exposition from every Stephen King story written in the 80s.  You're not going to say it's bad.  You're going to cry and run away from it.  That is my review.        So... full of rage.

Still kicking.

       I meant to respond to my last post sooner but... things came up.  Sound ominous?  It was.  First off, I was a victim of a hit and run.  I was hit, the other guy ran.  Second, I found him the next day and he's being charged on 3 counts: leaving the scene, failure to report and careless driving.  Part of the reason I didn't post this before is because I am in the process of turning it into a story.  I wrote down the basics (in about 7 pages) and need to let it sit before I can touch it.  

       The other thing is that I have been spending my past days after becoming a crime-fighting, vengeance seeking vigilante dealing with the University of Pittsburgh mail system.  Let me tell you, Kim and Amanda make up 2 of the top 10 dumbest people I have ever had personal contact with.  I bought something on E-Bay and told them to send it to me in NJ.  My receipt said it was coming here and I figured I had nothing to fear.  In this day and age, fear is the new black.  Everything should inspire fear.  It was sent to Pitt.  Pitt would not send it to me because it was insured.  I argued that since it was no longer in the custody of the US mail service, being signed for and "delivered", the insurance was no longer valid.  To this Kim asked me "If it was so important, why did they deliver it to the wrong place?"  I immediately came back with, "You realize that doesn't make any sense, right?"  Over the course of 3 days Kim proved not to know that.  She proved to not know a great deal, most of it dealing specifically with mail and other such documents, ironically enough.  At one point she questioned my identity.  I told her I would send her a copy of my student ID, my drivers license and passport, along with a notarized letter giving a friend in Pittsburgh permission to pick up my mail.  To this she asked, "But how would I know the letter was from you?"  "You don't know what notarized means, do you?"  Dead silence.  Fucking geniuses.
       Her boss, Amanda, was less of a help, though instead of getting indignant and insulting she simply repeated key phrases to keep herself calm.  
       "We can only forward 1st class mail."  
       "Why?"
       "Um........ because the shipping fee.  Your package would cost another $6 to ship again."
       "No problem, my friend can drop off the cash for shipping today."
       "No.  We can't do that."
       "Why?"
       "......... Because we can only forward 1st class mail."
Another nugget of gold"
       "What if I send you a notarized letter giving permission to give the package to someone else?"
       "No, I asked about that and we can't do it."
       "Why?"
       "Well, because anyone can sign a notarized letter."
       I exploded at this point.  "What?!  No, actually, they can't.  Notarized means the person signing it is trained, licensed and accountable.  The seal they use is unique so as to be traceable.  Notarized, by its very definition, means that it can't be signed by anyone."
       "...... But we can't do that."
I swear, at this point I think she was crying.  My hand to god.
       Here's the plan.  I'm going out to visit people in the 'Burgh probably in early November.  I will get a rock, glue googily eyes on it and write "I'm with stupid --->"  I will go to the mail office on the Pitt campus and ask for Kim.  I will then hand her the rock and say the following:
       I know things were rocky on the phone.  I was angry, you were frustrated.  I made you this to bridge the gap.  The next time you're here and you get a problem customer, like me, look at it.  You can tell it's a dumb and goofy rock, even by rock standards, by the tacky slogan on it.  Look at it when dealing with this person.  Take a deep breath.  And remember: no matter how frustrated you get, no matter how many questions you find you don't know the answers to, on your best day this rock could do your job better than you, you worthless bleeding cunt."
       I'm shopping for eyes right now.

       Final thought of the night.  Isn't it strange how certain people will always pop up in your life?  No matter how "done" you thought you were with them?  Either they come back or someone else brings them up?  It's strange.  I know, the most vexing and difficult people can teach us how to better deal with anyone but that doesn't stop them from being a complete pain.  Obviously I'm speaking about a specific individual, but I think this holds true to other people.  It has to be a thing, a universal constant.  There are people that you can't cut out completely.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm being a little paranoid.  Maybe the other person has specifically been watching me and stalking me and it's not the universe's fault.  But that would mean that in this situation the less paranoid conclusion is that I'm being watched.  Makes me wonder....

Hate to hit and run...

            It would have been a much nicer night if I hadn't been hit by a car.

            So I took this notebook home from work (along with about 7 promo CDs).  It’s from some chick in the army, or was in the army.  This thing is nuts!  The information in it is creepy in its level of detail.  Not only does it have information you'd want to remember, but it has details such as the order of targets that pop up during practice.  And the drawings... are scary.  Sharp teeth, slits for eyes.  It's freaky.  But very interesting.  I've been reading the book Found and it's amazing what you can pick up on just by reading a small snippet from someone.  I think it's mostly the content but also the form.  Knowing that what ever they are writing about was important enough to make them write (I'm not going to use the word "inspire") lets you know it was a big enough deal to them to matter.  Anyway, this notebook is strange.  And to read it you can't regard it like fiction or non-fiction.  The mental editor and interpreter has to be completely retooled.  It's strange.  I hope it gets me writing again.  I had the greatest idea for something before I fell asleep two nights ago.  Woke up only to remember how badly I wanted to remember it.  Damnit.

            Next bit: A review of Of Montreal.  They're decent but not the golden-child I was hoping them to be.  They blend ambient tendencies with flaming brit-pop style.  And it works.  And while it doesn't come of as gimmicky (that'd make the writing thin) it does get a little old after a bit.  The same way I can't take more than 7 Aquaduct tracks in a row.  What they have is real good, but it's just a bit abrasive.  Not Transmissions from the Satellite Heart abrasive, but too redundant.  Transmissions from the Satellite Heart had soimething grating in each track, but it was a different something each time.  Of Montreal just sort of play out after a bit.

            If you haven't taken a look at Google Earth then get your browser to it.  It's fantastic.  Oh the places you'll go.  Later I'll post a list of things I've ofund.  Airplanes on rooftops.  A whale surfacing off the coast of Australia.  Nuclear bomb craters.  Oil fields on fire.  It's an amazing world.  At least from space.  Then, once you've tooled the globe a bit head to Google Earth Hacks.  GEwar puts NationStates to shame and the forums are a great way to find the most random stuff.  I think that's it for now.

            Oh yeah.  It's my birthday this week.  Everybody get me stuff.  But not crap, just things I want.  Cash is good.  So are movies.  I'm sure there're other things I want.  Submit to my birth and greed!  Submit!

PETA's got (falafel) balls.

       Everyone who knows me well knows that I hate PETA.  You can click here to read an essay I wrote about how much they are just.... well, wrong about everything.   Anyway, those wacky fools are at it again.  You know what it is now?  Animal cruelty.  Yes, PETA has admitted to killing many, many, many animals.   Fox covers the dumping discovery here, but I can just tell you what happened:        Workers for PETA were found dumping bodies of animals.  This goes against health regulations about dealing with biological waste.  I can see why PETA would ignore these laws.  they are the laws of Man and therefore do not apply to the natural wold.  what I don't get is why they didn't have funerals for the thousands of animals they were found to have killed.  PETA, where's the love?  Many of the bodies that were found at the dumping (in the PETA van) were from a local shelter.        Here's the kicker.  The president of PETA came out and said " PETA has never made a secret of the fact that most of the animals picked up in North Carolina are euthanized."  That's terrible.  PETA is against that.  Except for the fact that PETA (not so openly, but very officially) admits that they do most of the killings.  The shelter that some of the animals were from has a reported kill rate of a little under 5%.  PETA has filed paperwork with the Dept. of Agriculture and Consumer Services claiming to have over an 86% kill rate.  Yes, PETA has the balls to whine that most animals picked up in the are of the crime are killed and actually filed paperwork showing that they killed most of them!        This means that PETA loses all rights to complain about... anything.  They may no longer claim to have political ideals of any sort.  In fact, PETA, I'm sending you to the corner.  Silent time.  Your talking rights have been revoked.  Nope, quiet!  No more.  Now sit there and stop killing animals until you learn your fucking lesson!  Christ, I knew PETA sucked.  They trivialize a major issue, alienate anyone who's not psychotic about their views on the cause, support terrorist bombers (yeah, we're talking like 60's bombing Patty Hearst type psychos) and now kill animals.  All for the cause of animal rights and welfare.        PETA, you have officially become the equivalent of pro-life clinic bombers.  I don't care how taoist you try to pass it off as, you can't kill more animals than anyone else and then yell at them for having animals die!  The solution?  Remove PETA.  I hate PETA.  PETA, you suck.  And members of PETA: you guys suck too.

Not much from the underground.

       Everyone should drop by my comic again.  No, it's not updated, but I did fix a few things.  The sidebar is formatted correctly now and I added a comment box so you can all tell me how fantastically crappy the drawings are.  I was actually thinking about writing Badly Drawn Boy and offering to do his next album art.  He's Badly Drawn Boy, I draw a boy badly... It's a match made in heaven.
       As for real comics, everyone should read Flight.  It's really interesting.  Being that it's an anthology there are some misses.  On the whole it's really good.  And it's the first time I've seen Copper in print.  Copper is fucking gorgeous! Flight volume 2 is out as well, though I haven't read it yet.
       In book news I finished Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans.  There were a few slow ones, and the one about the supreme court was a fantastic concept that just never paced well, but a bunch of the lists at the end had me laughing so hard!  I actually had to excuse myself and go upstairs because I just howling.  Read it or I will eat your soul.  I just started You Shall Know Our Velocity.  I haven't gotten very far, but it's good so far.  And it's Eggers so it will probably continue to rock.  Eggers just has this ability to jump between sarcasm and poetry that simply stuns.  It's the same factor that Sedaris is missing in his written work that Eggers own like a mother-fucker in all of his stuff. 
       Well, I'm off to catch Harvey Birdman and then The 4400.  Thank god I don't have to open tomorrow.

An eye for an eye

It's the Hoboken Jesus Emergency.  Did anyone get that reference?

Book stores: A user's guide

Note:  This has also been posted at .  If you're in book retail, join.  If you're not, read it.  You'll be amused.  Or shocked.  Maybe both.

      I've come up with a don't list for customers in book stores.  These are simple, easy to follow rules.  I would have said that they're common sense, but apparently common isn't the right word.

Don't:

•       forgo a greeting, walk up to me and state the title of the book you want.  That is not a proper way to initiate any interaction, be it personal or business related.
•       drop a pile of books onto the information desk and stare at me.  The desk says "INFORMATION" in huge, capital letters.  If you give me money here it's a gift and will not entitle you to keep the books.
•       tell us about your medical problems.  Really, what are you thinking?
•       stand in the same spot when I start walking to show you where the book you want is.  I'm showing you where it is, not fetching it like an errand boy.  It's insulting.
•       walk in front of me when I go to show you where a book is.  I know where it is and you obviously don't.  The reason I am walking all the way around those tables is because you're in the way.  Move your ass out of my way.
•       hover over my shoulder when I'm looking up a book for you.  If I find something then I'll tell you.  Back off.  Personal space.
•       ask for the following books: (and quickly list 5 to 11 books).  What was that first title again?
•       pull the receipt off of the register while I'm bagging your books, getting your change or anything else that I'm doing for your benefit.  Where are your fucking manners?  Douche-bag.
•       complain when a product isn't where you think is should be.  We're a corporate chain.  The big higher-ups choose how to catalogue everything.  I know that some of the books are in the wrong section.  But hell, you didn't know to look for Steinbeck in the fiction section to begin with.  You're an idiot.
•       use my first name repeatedly.  You don't know me.  Stop pretending to.  It makes you seem awkward.
•       become angry when I tell you the book you haven't been able to find for the last year is actually out of print.  We don't choose what gets printed and what doesn't.  And yes, the used books seem more expensive than the new ones.  It's called an open market.  I can show you the section to go to if you want to find out about it.  It's the one under the huge sign that says "MONEY AND ECONOMICS".

      And here are the last two.  They are also the most important.  If you only follow two of these rules, have them be these.

•       Do not threaten to go to a competitor when we won't match prices or give you the same exact discount that you've seen at another store.  I am paid hourly.  I am not on commission.  If you can get it cheaper online or at another store, go for it.  I don't fucking care.  It's not like I get to pocket the difference.  Unless you try to pay at the information desk.
  
  
•       DO NOT leave piles of books and/or magazines on the floor, in another section or in the cafe.  In what retail situation do you think that's acceptable behavior?  A supermarket?  Clothing store?  Office supply store?  None!  nd it's not appropriate here, either.  Don't be an asshole.

It was a day off. It was an off day.

     Oh, thank god I have a day off.  Not that I don't like work, but it's just so much time.  The commute, the busy work.  It takes it's toll.  Yesterday did have some good times, though, such as when Petter and Abby and I made fun of Mitch Hedberg for being dead.  It was so funny, joking about whether it would be stand up or propped up comedy and how it was a "new" recording than it would just be a blank CD.      I started reading Created in Darkness by Troubled Americans which is very promising so far.  It's a bunch of humor from McSweeney.  Oh, and there's an update for Freddy and the Scream.  Check it at the official web site or subscribe to it here at .  I guess that's it for now.  Oh, and keep the book recommendations coming.  I read fast.

Survey says:

     Is anyone put there really shocked?

Harry Potter Personality Quiz by Pirate Monkeys Inc.

These people...

            I’m going to open by saying that some of the dumbest people ever are in Arts High.  Last night there was an event, they had a reading in the store.  I was tipped off by the smiling, vacant girl wearing homemade wings standing outside the store.  She seemed like Angel from "Nash Bridges" but without the redeeming twists of fate and moments of wisdom.  Inside she ran into someone she knew and started screaming and hugging.  Yeah, that's the kind of people I had to deal with.  Preps in leather cowboy hats, girls in matching hipster caps and other people who try to hard.  And I can stomach these people in passing.  I’ve had to.  But then they come up and ask the dumbest questions, pick the most generic "artsy" music, have the most trite conversations ever!  Dear lord.  I wanted to just pick up a "White Mud Freeway" or "Grand Tourism" album and start beating them over the head.  If you’re going to be an elitist then at least pick the really food stuff.

 

            As for personal life, I’m still searching for a fantastic read.  I picked up a copy of "Stranger in a Strange Land".  It’s a classic and I haven't read it.  Maybe I’ll grab "Catch 22".  I know, I should have read it in 7^th grade, so sue me.

I feel the need... the need to read.

            So I just finished a book, The Intern Blues (interrupted by the newest Potter).  It was really good, but ridiculously heavy.  Nonfiction, 3 diaries of medical interns in New York.  Although I did read the Half-Blooded Prince, that was more of a coffee break than an actual book.  I’m asking for recommendations on what to read next.  I’m thinking fiction, not life-threateningly depressing and it doesn’t have to be a new release.  Recommend away.

 

            In other news, I’ve set up .  It’s an LJ group for anyone who is in the book business.  Come, join, and share your terrible customer stories.  I made it because I take notes on the assholes who come in all day long but didn't want this blog to turn into a constant bitch-fest.  So there's that as well.

A post from somewhere not so close to the edge.

            I have a job again.  Took up until now for them to get back to me, but I’m working again.  So once more I am selling books and brewing espresso.  I climb into the indie saddle and ride the caffeinated horse.  This time around I’m working at a different store.  Same chain, though.  I just don’t think I could deal with the management there.  The General Manager is just so… inept.  No more!  This new store is farther, but it seems more laid back and yet more organized.  I hope it’s worth the location.  Today, being my second day, was interesting.  I was in the café nearly the whole time and even had an hour all alone.  It’s been so long since I’ve been trained to professionally sling beans.  But I dealt and it went well.  Met some cool co-workers too, though it seems like everyone is leaving soon.  So, books and coffee.  Thanks for the degree, Pitt.

            In recreational news I’ve been reading a lot.  A book called The Intern Blues.  Most of my friends will already recognize the title from me talking about it.  It’s the diaries of 3 first year medical interns at a New York City hospital program.  And it’s incredible.  The lives these people lead are nuts.  The program is nuts.  The system for getting internships and the internships themselves are insane.  I recommend this even if you’re not into non-fiction.  Its narrative is strong enough to be read as a collection of stories.  But knowing that everything happened, it’s really mind-boggling. 

            I’ve also been watching a bunch of films from Netflix.  Finally got to Read or Die.  Not everything I expected but still well worth the time I spent watching it.  It’s about a nefarious plot to obtain rare Beethoven manuscripts by cloning obscure literary peoples, such as insect specialists and Zen monks, to do the villain's bidding.  The main agent fighting back has the ability to control paper. 

            Gossip?  Not much.  The lady and I have been to exhausted to fight or anything juicy like that.  And most friends are MIA, off schedule or working elsewhere so there hasn’t been much craziness.  Hence the reading and movie bonanza.  In fact, I’ve been getting most of my entertainment from a few select blogs.  And I’m not too ashamed to say that I revel at the fun some people I know are reporting and smirk at some of the problems I see other people causing for themselves.  And am I being blocked by a serial trouble-maker?  Oh, it’s so high-school I could plotz!

            Oh, and I nearly forgot.  I entered (by way of much parental prodding) a short fiction contest from Moment magazine.  If you don’t know the publication, ask your Jewish friends or their parents.  The results aren’t out until October so I will not be holding my breath until then.

Lots of stuff. As in items.

            Well, I have gone to media heaven.  It started with a Netflix account.  This thing is great, aside from the waiting for things to go through the mail.  I got fed up with Blockbuster not having a copy of The Lost Skeleton of Cadavera in stock.  I have the rewards things so if I get a new release I get a non-new release free.  Well, the only other movie I wanted was another new release (Primer).  So I was starting to feel a bit boned.  So I said screw that and a few days later got a Netflix account as a present.  Now I get movies delivered to my door and I get a new one as soon as I finish copying them and sending them back.  I mean…  Yeah, that’s pretty much it. 

Step two of media heaven happened about a week later.  Clarissa, Pete & Pete and Danger Mouse came in the mail!  You know what that means?  It means that I just need to copy Ren And Stimpy and burn Are You Afraid of The Dark.  Then: SNICK party at my place.  And it will rock.  I think I might even be able to get a hold of an episode of Roundhouse.  If anyone can help me with Roundhouse, let me know.  Elusive early 90’s bastard child of sketch comedy and cheesy choreography, I call on thee!

The final, and possibly most impressive, step of mission media heaven is Star Wars.  I have episodes 4-6 on DVD.  And not the way Lucas wants me to.  I have (with complete file system transfer) the Definitive Edition Laserdisc rips.  We’re talking no shrinking, full menu carry over, chapter breaks, commentary track and THX sound.  And not the Special Editions.  The original theatrical releases.  Han shoots first, Jabba doesn’t show up at the Mos Eisley Space Port and the Yub-Yub song is there in all its glory at the end of Jedi!

I know a lot of people out there will probably want copies because, honestly, I don’t think anyone out there would prefer the “special editions”.  Do you?  Nah.  I won’t sell them because that’s all super-illegal and kind of dick.  But what would be ruder is to not share them either.  If you want a set, drop a line. 

             I haven’t been planted in front of the TV for weeks, though.  I’ve seen some daylight.  Went to AC, breaking about even.  I saw Batman Begins on IMAX there, though that‘s back in front of a screen I guess.  A really big screen though!  I also went to a Renaissance Fair and ran into my friend Natalie at a diner afterwards.  Why are they called Renaissance Fairs?  They’re based around the dark ages so their timing is way off.  And some of those sword sellers are the most desperate, socially inept and undersexed wankers you’ll ever meet.  Honestly, someone should show up and reveal the secret that being a clingy, off colour-joke cracking, BO wafting hairy man with knives doesn’t make you an ideal choice as a friend or mate.  So, so creepy.

Monkey on my back.

            Wow, it’s been a long time since I’ve updated.  And it’s once again marked by a movie.  This time it was Batman Begins.  Good movie, I recommend it.  Then compare it to Burton and realize how narrow-minded Timmy B really is, how he doesn’t actually direct the spirit of a project but forces himself into whatever script he’s producing.  Sometimes this works (Edward Scissorhands, A Nightmare Before Christmas) and sometimes it doesn’t (Mars Attacks, Batman Returns except for the Catwoman scenes, Planet of the Apes).  And that’s that.

            Next, new host and new strip for Freddy and The Scream.  Here's the site, or friend it to have the updates streamed to you in blog form at .  Which brings me to my next section.

            I’ve been incredibly uncreative of late.  No writing, scripting, drawing or thinking for the most part.  Well, I’ve started reading again and it’s helping a little.  So wish me luck with that.  The only thing worse than writer’s block is lack of drive so you don’t even care.  But I found my notebooks and my comic scripts.  I think I may sit down and try to finish my movie script; that should let me write without having to come up with new plots. 

            I’ve had so many little rants but I lose them before I get them down.  Shows what’s important, eh?  Oh, but speaking of rants: Stuff Your Face.  The place in NB.  There was this guy sitting at another table spewing words at his comrade as loud as a drunkard.  The first key phrase to cross the room and perch upon my ears: “Yeah, Christianity is the way to be.”  He then went on, mentioning that he was bathed in the blood of Christ and therefore clean of sin.  He also casually mention that while trying to keep things “light, nice and easy,” he managed to tell his Jew boss that he was going to hell.  I think I’m losing me temper with humanity.  Honestly, the next time something like that happens I’m just going to ask him if he’s dunk and if not to shut the hell up.  Or maybe just poll the room and see if anyone is as sick of fucked up speeches as I am.

            On that note, it’s off to 12 Monkeys, for a minor mind fuck and then bed.

Hitchhiker's Guide: A Modern Commentary

            I’m trying to get creative again, so here’s a half-assed installment.  So far, life is bumming around.  I mean, too lazy to get into hipster mode level of bumming.  Looking for inspiration, waiting for the real summer to start.  It’s mostly a waiting game for everything.  The main points of update are a movie review and a new strip.  The strip is over at .  As for the review, it’s of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.  After you read it, head over to The H2G2.  It’s the actual Guide.  As in all encompassing reference source that beats out the Encyclopedia Galactica.  I’m a registered researcher, have been for a bit.  Yay nerd bragging rights.

 

There have been a lot of complaints about The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy movie.  They complain about the rushing through key plot points and classic jokes, parts of the book that were skipped and the general lack of cohesion of the film.  I completely understand why these reviews see the movie like this.  But the reviewers who say this don’t actually understand the context of the movie.

            The film itself is good.  The jokes are funny.  Mos Def as Ford is great.  He has that halted yet sure sense of self that make the alien who he is.  Freeman as Dent is perfect, much more a fish out of water than Hugh Grant could pull off.  Sam Rockwell is the weakest link in the main cast.  He’s ok, but not great.  Rockwell’s style of throwing himself into each scene too hard was a bit much.  There’s none of that self assurance he’s supposed to have, just a hollow pompousness.  He’s not the loud guy at the party whom everyone wants to be around.  He’s the loud guy at the party whom everyone rolls their eyes and humors.  And Zooey Deschenel works, though by no means steal the show.

            Actually, the real show stoppers are Marvin (Alan Rickman) and Slartibartfast (Bill Nighy).  Marvin gets the quiet, subtle laughs in each scene he’s in; his depression amidst the frenetic colors and pacing work perfectly.  And Nighy has a similar understated style that lets him stutter and mumble his way into good graces.  He simply doesn’t miss on a single line.  Oh, and the whale.  The whale handled very nicely as well.

            The actual pacing is jarring and freakish.  As it’s supposed to be.  The series in its book form never really congeals into a smooth flow until the third volume.  Which is how it’s supposed to be.  The third book is where the series starts to turn sour.  The charm of the story is in its irreverence.  The fault of the movie is that it doesn’t embrace this enough and sets up to create a supposedly smooth (sort of) movement from scene to scene. 

            There’s also the specter of the missing towel entry.  Nowhere in the entire movie is an explanation of why towels are so important.  Throughout they are utilized and sought after, but never are we told why.  This is the only lack of carry over that I will sight, though.  What was there worked well. The dolphins, mice and Vogon bureaucracy all carry the movie through.

            There’s a view out there that the movie version of this multimedia story is bad because it lacks a lot of what was in the book.  In fact, there’s one review (http://www.planetmagrathea.com/notinthefilm.html) that lists item by item what is in the book and not in the movie.  Let me draw your attention to the fourth item.  The detail of nitpicking is astounding.  They want the same narration as found in the book.  Of course, this is completely flawed.  A word for word rendition of the book would be about 7 to 8 hours long, slow and awful.  The point of an adaptation is that it’s “adapted” for a new medium.  That means changed to suit the medium.  And this story is no stranger to adaptations.  It started not as this “holy” book but as a radio series.  In fact, the script for the radio series is, in my opinion, superior to the book.  The book is, by any standard, superior to the BBC mini-series and all of them are meant to stand on their own.  The radio show had jokes not found in the book.  The book was written not as a pure novelization of the radio show, but as a stand alone novel. 

And the movie succeeds in this respect.  A person seeing it for the first time, never having read the book, will get this as a movie.  They won’t miss what’s not in it from other media.  And it will entertain. 

The “purist” vision that people keep demanding in adaptations is a growing problem, one that shows how few people understand what an adaptation is.  Harry Potter 3 suffered the same fate.  The film is vastly different from the novel.  And thank god for that.  If it was the exact same thing then it would have dragged and suffered from pacing issues that make movies enjoyable.  But people still complained.  In actuality, Harry Potter 3 was a much better movie than the second Potter movie.  But it was different than the book.  It was a great adaptation but a terrible visual version of the book. 

The same can be said about The Hitchhiker’s Guide.  AS a movie it is funny, witty in parts and very charmingly told.  What it isn’t is the book.  There are parts that are in the book that you will miss when you see the movie.  But if you want a good movie, you will be pleased.  If you want to see the book, go read the book again.  And if you want the radio show, this isn’t it either.  And luckily it’s not the BBC TV version.  It’s better.

Well, that was strange

            I’ve got a lot of stuff to blog about.  Some of it is serious, some just funky junk-net stuff.  But I’m not going to get to those tonight.

            I pulled an all-nighter and finished my last paper (ever).  I woke myself up after I went to sleep.  Sometimes you wake up because you’re coughing.  Some people wake themselves when they turn over or roll around a lot.  I woke up laughing hysterically.  And it’s not linked to finals being over.  I had a funny dream and started laughing.  And then I laughed some more.  Until I woke myself up.  And after I woke up I kept laughing.  Waking up to your own laughter is one of the strangest feelings in the world.  Really confused the hell out of me.

            I’ll get back to writing more, and on a more regular basis once I get home.

Pure Frosting

            First off, and most importantly, there’s a new comic at .  It’s obviously an intro to a subplot.  Or is it…  You never can tell with these po-mo/deconstructionist works these days, can you?

 

            And now, for some quiz results:

 

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion |||||||||||||| 53% Stability |||||||||||||||| 70% Orderliness |||||||||| 40% Empathy |||||||||||| 43% Interdependence |||||||||||||| 56% Intellectual |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Mystical |||||||||||| 50% Artistic |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Religious |||||||||||||||| 63% Hedonism |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Materialism |||||||||||||| 56% Narcissism |||||||||||||||| 63% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||| 70% Work ethic |||||||||| 36% Self absorbed |||||||||||| 50% Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||||||| 90% Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 70% Romantic |||||||||||| 43% Avoidant |||||||||||| 50% Anti-authority |||||||||||||||| 70% Wealth |||||||||||| 50% Dependency |||||| 30% Change averse |||||| 23% Cautiousness |||||||||||||| 56% Individuality |||||||||||||||| 70% Sexuality |||||||||||||| 56% Peter pan complex |||||||||||||||| 63% Physical security |||||||||||||||||||| 83% Food indulgent |||||||||||||||| 63% Histrionic |||||||||||| 50% Paranoia |||||||||||||||||| 76% Vanity |||||| 30% Hypersensitivity |||||||||||| 50% Female cliche |||||||||||| 43%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

            Conflict seeking artist intellectial.  Wait for the shock.  Ah, fuck it.

Adam's Aliases

Your movie star name: Toast Simon

Your fashion designer name is Adam Prauge

Your socialite name is Didj New York

Your fly girl / guy name is A Pob

Your detective name is Coyote East Brunswick High School

Your barfly name is Hot Pocket Gin And Tonic

Your soap opera name is Joshua West Waverly Drive

Your rock star name is Peach Buds Miata

Your star wars name is Adaluc Poball

Your punk rock band name is The Bland Autograph

The Amazing Meganame Generator

            These actually came out pretty good for the most part.  I like them all except the detective name and the soap opera name.

Your Inner European is French!

Smart and sophisticated. You have the best of everything - at least, *you* think so.

Who's Your Inner European?

            Like you didn't see that coming a mile away.

Your Linguistic Profile:

45% General American English

40% Yankee

15% Dixie

0% Midwestern

0% Upper Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Your Seduction Style: The Dandy

You're a non-traditionalist, not limited by gender roles or expectations. Your sexuality is more fluid than that - and you defy labels or categories. It's hard to pin you down, and that's what's fascinating about you. You have the psychology of both a male and a female, and you can relate to anyone.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

It has been a good week

            I know it’s been a while.  I’ve actually missed updates because I’ve been doing things.  But now I’m supposed to be writing papers so I have time to waste.  Hey, Word is open so it’s a start

            So, this week I met Lisa Loeb.  It was fantastic.  I got all giddy and when I handed her a CD (Reality Bites) she asked to flip through my CD wallet.  It was great.  I mean, what better compliment could I get?  Oh, and when she hit the Office Space soundtrack she told me it’s her favourite movie.  So there’s some trivia for you.

            Later in the week I went on a gallery crawl.  Only Rachel picked the wrong week and all the galleries were closed in preparation for the crawl next week.  We still got into a few galleries and got to the Warhol.  A pleasant day.  Oh, and Larry was late so he is no immortalized.  As late.

"Hi, I'm Larry.  And I was late."


The man running at us is about to stop us, tell us he's from Rochester, show us his ID, ask if we can jump his car, ask for change and then curse us and America when we don't give him anything.


Me, having just conquered the bridge.


Having defeated the bridge, I am now off to fight more evil.  Or go to the Warhol.

            Next up on the summary of the week is The Shins concert.  I was enjoyable.  They have a live vibe that’s not really my thing.  While I say that my music genre is indie, it’s not Indie.  I like independent music, not so much only the Indie Rock.  And these guys had a certain squareness about them.  Like when they kicked someone out for smoking up.  I mean, you’re performing a concert.  Who takes the time to kick someone out of an outdoor concert for smoking in the middle of a song?   That’s bastard.  I mean, the best part was when they were playing Zeppelin songs, and that was just as a joke.  Oh, and for the second half of the concert I was stuck next to the worst people in the world to attend a concert with.  They were a couple who insisted on jumping into people (like emo-mosh) on slow songs, and clapping on the songs they knew.  And they wouldn’t stop.  Not even when no one joined in.  I hope they’re dead by now.

He was all emo'd out.  But he had excuses.














I have no idea who the hell that guy is.  But he's looking right at me.  Take blinding light, creepy watcher!


And lo, the lord saw the crowd surfers at the show and said "Dude, what the fuck?  Do you not even hear how laid back this music is?  Ass."  And the lord's faith in humanity died that day.

            After that I walked into the Boxball party.  They call it 4-Square here.  But then again they call soda “pop” so why they hell would I take their word for anything?  The party was fun. I got really into a few rounds, had a lot of free hotdogs and generally had a good time.  The vibe was what the concert should have been like: energetic, friendly and an all encompassing spirit of fun. 

I don't know what "That's Right" means, but that probably makes me a square.  Oh crap, that was a bad pun.  Sorry.


Lots of people playing.


And some more people playing.


Erik sure picked a weird time to become a Buddhist.  Maybe it's because not even his Christian god could save his game.


And here's a guy wearing a PETA apron.  Serving me a hot dog.  Fantastic.

            So, no ranting speech this time.  It’s been a good week, it’s now finals week, I’ll see how that goes.  And don’t worry, I’m sure I’ll find something to rage against in a few days.  And if now, I’ll update my comic.  Yeah, this summer I should get on schedule with that, so just bear with me until then.

            As a closing note, here’s the “True Stories” album by the Talking Heads on vinyl.  I got it for $3.

And DEVO pins

The post of Revelation

So, tonight’s entry will reveal all.  First off, I’ve just had some trouble with DrunkDuck.  Some crap about their bandwidth.  So, as a backup I’ve started a Freddy and The Scream LJ syndication.  So subscribe and get updates as they happen.  I’ll keep posting in both, but as of this moment DrunkDuck’s down.  And sorry if it eats your recent friends posting space, but I did just start it up.

 Subscribe to me!

            Strip number is up.  I was planning on doing Thursday (thing) updates but as soon as I finished it early I just had to post.  Now, you're asking yourself "Where did you find the time to ink another strip this week?"  Shhhh.  Ain't none of your concern.

Where the strip is normally located. http://www.drunkduck.com/Freddy_and_The_Scream/

            As for the riddle: the answer is Iambic Pentameter.                         Hello My Name Is = iam                         Bic fellow and a pen = bic pen                         Hat (this kind called a “tam”) being eaten = tameter                                     Iambic Pentameter Quiz Result time! 

Hg... Mercury You scored 55 Mass, 32 Electronegativity, 55 Metal, and 10 Radioactivity!

Quicksilver. You are a contradiction in terms and the largest most grave flaw in this classification scheme... you defy all expectations because, while your interactions with things should be marked by intransigence, inflexibility, and singlemindedness, you manage to slip through and engulf problems and concepts with an impossibly fluid grace. You are an unknown quantity, and one that subsumes others and forces them to reexamine their entire paradigm. Okay, I'm just throwing out grandiose sentences now because I can't rationalize where mercury falls in this scheme... be proud though... its awesome.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 90% on Mass You scored higher than 50% on Electroneg You scored higher than 55% on Metal You scored higher than 41% on Radioactivity

AND

You scored as atheism. You are... an atheist, though you probably already knew this. Also, you probably have several people praying daily for your soul. Instead of simply being "nonreligious," atheists strongly believe in the lack of existence of a higher being, or God. atheism 79% Buddhism 63% agnosticism 63% Satanism 50% Judaism 50% Islam 46% Paganism 42% Christianity 17% Hinduism 13% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

 

            That's pretty funny if you know me.  And it's just a strange set of results if you don't.

Terri-fying Tactics

            Once again I set out to write about something in the news and got distracted by something else.  In this case I was going to talk about Terri Schiavo.  But honestly, who wants that?  It’s so over done and, just like the woman in question, the entire topic has just hung around too long.

            So I‘ll talk about the bastard alliance of conservative, puritan values called the News.  This organization (and yes folks, the different networks and sources area organized to an impressive [disturbing] extent) is so slanted that it took me, well, minutes of looking online for less biased sources than what was easily obtained.  But I’m a quick read, so just understand that a few minutes was more than it should have taken.

            First off, nearly every source I’ve ready has been slightly skewed to right, saying that it’s bad that she’s off the tube.  There’s no feasible way for this woman to ever ever come back to the real world.  Scientific doubt?  No.

The issue isn’t even with the law.  No, when 2 Bushes get stopped in a political arena already overly represented by their own party you know the law is pretty well set down in this case.  So where’s the doubt?  In the church.

And the main problem here is that shouldn’t be a fucking problem.  Like most of my friends I don’t believe in Jesus.  I think the church is a corrupt and morally fossilized entity.  And I’ve always been uncomfortable around priests.  Unlike most my friends, I wasn’t raised with either a serious attempt, nor even the pretext of one, that Jesus was anywhere near the truth.  This gives me the special position to be American (shudder) and not involved in the church split.  When I reject Jesus, it’s a passive move, not an active denial.  Jesus was a dude.  Jesus was a Jew.  Jesus is a big lie.  I can say that without taking a radical position.  That’s how I was raised. 

The problem here is that the news seems to have standards I don’t.  I don’t mean that the news is conservative and I’m not so it’s bad.  I mean that the news is taking a stance on the Schiavo case founded on Christian ideas and that is bad.  The news should be secular.  If it were religious it would be Church/State propaganda.  Now, I know there’s a spectrum here.  On the far right I read an article that said she was being denied her last rites.  Unless everyone dies on Easter, they completely got the facts wrong.  Of course, the site had an ad for Ann Coulter’s book so I printed it out and flushed it town the toilet right away.

The news ranges from obscenely biased to subtly biased, though.  There’s no source that takes on the facts head on.  If they ally themselves with the church then they talk about how much of a travesty her not being allowed communion is (though they did allow it to her…).  If the source sides against the church then they don’t report on Schiavo, they report on how much of a cocksucker the church is being. 

And it’s this attitude I simply can’t stand.  Now that it’s been so polarized by this case, it’s coming out everywhere.  It’s like no one even tries to pretend that there’s a line between news/state and church/Jesus.  I remember those days!  And those days weren’t even good enough to qualify as good!

Example: Associated Press on the discovery of Tyrannosaurus Rex soft tissue.  That’s right, a religiously skewed story on dinosaurs.  In a video from AP they discuss how extractable dinosaur DNA might be available in a soft tissue sample recently discovered.  I know that Jurassic Park references can’t be avoided, but the video was about 50/50 with news footage and movie footage.  The possibility of actually finding the evolutionary line from the dinosaurs was glossed over and when a paleontologist stated that they might not even be able to find the right DNA and that they were not yet cloning dinosaurs the reported nearly crapped herself.  “Yet?!” she exclaimed, as if Spielberg was a prophet and Crichton wasn’t a hack. 

Without explicitly saying it, the issue of playing god was her focus and not the news at hand.  And I’m so fucking sick of this slanted journalism.  There aren’t any good sources left!  Nearly anything mainstream is republican and god-fearing.  And if a source isn’t then they’re too busy bragging about how much they aren’t republican and god-fearing to actually report.  Specifically “liberal” media sources are just Leftist political machines.  I’m not saying the media is a liberal power.  It’s quite the opposite.  But these granola-crunchy hippies are so busy tooting their own horn for not being a cog in the mainstream machine that they end up not even being a part of a machine.  It’s like me talking about how much I’m not an Orthodox Jew.  Fine, but that doesn’t mean that I’m now a non-biased source on Orthodox Judaism.  Same with the overtly liberal sources: they don’t really qualify as news sources either.  They exist simply not to be conservative.

That’s really all I want to say on that.  It just makes me so mad when not only does one side lie about what’s going on, but the other is so busy “not lying” that they only repeat “We are the truth” without having a message.  So I’ll leave you with a story that was once told to me by a very wise man.  I believe he was a prophet, but that’s really beside the point.

“Pete and Repeat were in a boat.  Pete fell out.  Who was left?  The fucking news media!”