Merry Creepy Christmas

       As  a Jew I always had a vague distaste for Christmas.  It was an outsider thing.  It was a commercial thing.  It was a celebration of all that was wrong with separation of church and state.  Now, after a Christmas in retail, I hate it with a burning passion.  Actively hate it.  The Grinch seems like he had a good idea.  Hell, after the way people act on Christmas in stores, the Grinch actually seems friendly and kind.  People suck.  I don't mean that they can.  I mean that they do.  There's screaming and insults and ethnocentric unintended announcements of latent racism.  It's a fun time for all.  And the "reason for the season"?  It's not Jesus.  Man, Christmas comes late in the world of winter holidays.  The solstice came first, as a geological/astronomical occurrence.  Then people came.  Then Yule.  Then Hanukkah (and if I hear one joke about spelling i will end you).  Then Christmas.  The reason?  People get cold in the winter.  Food supplies dwindle.  Though not very economic (and it still isn't) it raised spirits in the coldest, bleakest season.  Suicide, my friends, is the reason for the season.  Not Jesus.  Anyone who tells you otherwise is a Christian.

       You might be able to tell I've gotten a bit of a temper this season.  Indeed I have.  Come to Borders when I close and you'll be able to tell.  From my calling people "Borders Trespassers" to announcing that "In 5 minutes you will find it hard to read, as the lights will be out.  You will also find it difficult to buy your books, as the registers are shut down.  Lastly, you will find the doors locked, making it hard to leave and throwing a damper on the rest of your nights plans".  This is because when the store is closed I tend to get peeved at the group of angsty teenagers who are sitting in history, reading magazines they will not put back in the right spot.  Also, Guns and Ammo does not go in the kid's section.  For a laugh, come by tomorrow night.  Every minute, on the minute, after the store closes I am going to get on the paging system and announce the twist ending of a book or movie.  Laughs will ensue.  The day before Christmas was my crowning glory.  To give you perspective, the police had to close the entrance to make enough room in the parking lot to enable people to leave.  Before that it was about 1 car length every hour or so.  No exaggeration.  Anyway, Alex (the register guy next to me) was having one of those customers who keeps bragging about Barnes and Noble as if they birthed it.  IT has a better location.  They have more people.  Blah blah blah.  I lean over, look cautiously to increase suspense and say loud enough only for Alex and the customer to hear, "Well, it's not a well advertised fact, but Barnes and Noble eats babies."  The customer stares at me.  "What?"  "Yeah.  Every now and then, they eat a baby."  I have never done anything so freeing at work before.  The only thing that even compares to that instance was everyone's reactions when they hear what I did.        Presents went well this year so far.  I made a bunch of DVDs for people.  This includes the Star Wars DVDS (non special edition) as well as Harry Potter with 2 alternative audio tracks.  Yes, I have a DVD with the Wizard People track on it.  It's magnificent.  I'm pretty much done with making my gifts.  I thought the Potter dub mixing would be the hardest, and it did take me about a month of tweaking to get it right, but Jeff's mix is just growing exponentially.  It started as a simple mix but I've since then pulled tracks from about 80 albums to mix.  It may be a 4 disc themed set or even a (dare I say it) cross-reference mood mix.  Who knows.  It will, however, be made of pure concentrated ass-kicking.        On a closing note, pun intended, Quin must be stopped.  She's a wreck.  It is so hard to work when she's on.  Being cafe trained, there's just a fear of when she'll ask for a 10.  A break I will undoubtedly be asked to cover.  The only thing worse than that is, god forbid, taking over after her shift.  I don't know why but she not only doesn't do anything that she should to keep the cafe running, she actively does things to mess it up.  I don't have a list on me, but it goes far beyond the simple "empty" post-its on coffee pitchers and not refilling the espresso beans, or milk, or cream, or ice, or cups, or filters.  She shifts the coffee pots and bean buckets to the wrong places, stuffs the drains with teabags, doesn't do a single dish for entire shifts.  She has to be taught a lesson.  I've yelled at her, even alluded to slavery and beatings.  She thinks it's all a joke.  So, Jeff (not the mix guy, but cafe Jeff) has stepped up to teach her a lesson.  Better than the time she nearly cried when I told her she wasn't allowed breaks anymore, Jeff has left the food counter empty.  Now, to those who may not be familiar with cafe protocol, the food for the next day is to be set up at night, wrapped and put in the counter.  The next day, to shorten set up time, all one has to do is unwrap the food an put it back.  Then you're done.  Well, she had nothing in the cases when Jeff took over.  Well, close to it.  So her lesson is this:

She gets nothing in the case when she opens tomorrow.  I think that sounds fair.  And I mean nothing.  There're 3 apple bars on a tray and that is all.  No sandwiches, cakes, pretzels, brownies, etc.  Not a single item.  There are two downsides to this.  One is that I close tomorrow so I won't be able to see her reaction.  The other is that Jeff may well make her cry before I do and that just won't seem right.