Horrible books for horrible children

I'd like to tell you all about an exciting new opportunity.  I am creating a book club for children.  While taking books from the discard cart and removing them from the system I found a selection that are, well, wrong.  Simply wrong.  So now I thought I'd share with you these books.  If you want to frighten your children or other people's children then get them these.

Honestly, I kept having to remind myself that the books I was hold were real.  I felt as if I had been dropped in a sketch comedy show.  But no.  They were real.  And they still are.

I brought them home to share the experience with you.  And now; prepare to be shocked, amazed and horrified beyond your wildest dreams! And since not all children like the same type of terror I will divide them up.

The 'Horrible Books for Horrible Children' Book Club"

Boring

	Full Title: This Union Cause The Growth of Organized Labor in America I don't think I need to make fun of this one.  But please, name me one kid who won't fall asleep to that.
	Are you fucking kidding me?
	The director of my library told me that it was a shame how many books don't get checked out.  I picked this off the top of the cart and told her that some of them aren't really surprising.

Subtly Disturbing

	Please take notice that off all the many countries that they could have used to represent the world, they had to sneak one of the Elders of Zion all the way up top. The book also talks about how all countries are divided up by the UN into one of two categories: communist and non-communist.
	The inside only shows pictures of hobos.  Really, it is a hobo reference book.  Or, as hobos like to call them, "tiny blankets".

Nightmarish

Kids like disaster movies because the cute dog always lives.  Kids do not like real disasters where people are forced to eat the cute dog.  And that was many years ago.

Are you shitting me?  These are real books?  Do they come with a social worker?

	Sally Can't See (that there's a fucking bird on her head) Apparently she also doesn't have a sense of touch.  According to the rest of the book her hobbies include putting on headphones and petting dead fish.
	Steven went on to learn to write.  He then penned a sequel: My Sister Harriet is a Pretty Big Bitch.
	Don't Feel Sorry for Paul Why?  Just because god doesn't? Click for a much larger version where you can see that he does not have a hook-hand but rather the worlds first prosthetic butter knife-hand.

I know that some of those were tasteless.  But please bear in mind that none of those comments come anywhere near as close to the level of terrible horrible tackiness that the actual books do.

If anyone wants one of these, please let me know.  I have them all at my apartment and will give them out on a first request basis.  If no one asks, I'll put them back into the library book sale.

Chad, give this post a funny review/pun.

In an effort to continue to post often I'm going to try and review a lot of stuff.  Since I have Netflix, work at a library and listen to music and audio books during my full time job I should find some things here and there to talk about. Lucky Number Slevin I don't have a rating system of stars or anything in place so I just have to say that I cannot, in good conscience, recommend the experience of watching this movie. It starts out as one of those new gangster pics.  You know the ones.  There's a few (seemingly) unconnected scenes of violence, Bruce Willis shows up as a hit man, there's some slick slightly over-saturated shots and someone (Josh Hartnett) suffers from a case of mistaken identity.  But it's not good.  I left the film with the distinct impression that it was inspired by wallpaper.  Seriously, each setting had a ridiculous wallpaper that was highlighted through isolated camera shots. If Quintin Tarantino inexplicably became obsessed with the bathroom wallpaper scene from Garden State then Lucky Number Slevin is the first film he would make. But that's all superficial.  Let me get into the craftsmanship behind the movie and why it doesn't work an many fundamental levels.  If you take any single shot from this movie it will look at best, incredibly interesting and at worst, average.  The filming is sometimes a little forced when trying to establish itself.  For example, flashbacks are shown in bleached out choppy film rates.  Most of the time.  The visuals alone, as I said, are good.  Together they simply don't fit in any way.  It's not that they fit badly but that from shot to shot, sub plot to sub plot, they really don't show that they have any thing in common.  The dialogue is the same.  Since Slevin is in life or death situations but is supposed to be a smart-ass he has many amusing quips to deliver.  And he does.  Alone any one line would sound good in the preview, look good on a poster and quote well in a review.  Together they do not form a script.  In fact, the many pieces of this movie add up to something noticeably less than their parts.  It's too much fluff.  And there's not nearly as much effort in tying the threads together as there was in producing the film This becomes painfully obvious towards the end.  I'm betting you've seen movies where many people have individual plots and then at the end they all come together and it turns out to be bits of one big story!  Wow!  Yeah, not here.  Though we are told that it is.  Let's see what I can do without giving away the ending. The little plots and unconnected events are one big plot.  The movie only lets us know this by (and I mean this literally) sitting everyone down and delivering a speech about it.  No smooth writing where characters slowly realize the growing gestalt.  No jaw dropping twists where two people turn out to be one or related or went to the same high school 10 years ago.  One of the characters simply tells everyone else, as well as the audience, all the missing pieces that the film never supplies through development.  Also, the movie changes from a crime and gangster film to a revenge story, thus negating nearly all of the development and motivation established thus far. In the end the feeling of being cheated was so great that any suspension I had afforded the movie went out the window.  There is a trade off in these sorts of criminal movies.  The more enjoyable it is then the more leeway we give it.  Great movies acknowledge this and use the extra wiggle room to set the stage for something great later on.  Pulp Fiction.  Some simply play off the fun and leave it at that.  Oceans 11.  Some movies have an solid story and then use your suspension to simply stretch the fun out of it.  Get Shorty.  This movie uses that advantage to drag the viewer towards the end and then dump an unrelated conclusion out on the floor.  The big twists are easily called early on.  The little ones are revealed throughout but have no influence in the plot.  It's just one interesting visual detail after another only to get to the end which is one unrelated detail after another. I guess I'm done saying that it's a disappointing movie.  Each instance tries to be cool and smooth and each individual instant, as a unit, is.  Maybe that's why the movie as a whole is such a let down.  The end result never delivers on what is constantly promised. Aside:  If anyone has any ideas for a simple rating system that's a bit more useful than a simple 5-star set-up, let me know.

What are you doing new years?

How much did you party?

Side note:  I find my Netflix top 10 really funny right now.

1. Jesus Camp
2. La Moustache
3. Underworld: Evolution
4. Le Samourai
5. The Last Kiss
6. The Producers
7. Josie and the Pussycats
8. Sketches of Frank Gehry
9. When Do We Eat?
10. Doom

I'm a little ashamed of Doom but Chad recommended it.  I'm in a spiral of depression over Underworld but I am in a mood for something completely mindless to watch.  The first one did make me nearly swear off ever watching movies all together but I need the cinematic equivalent of empty calories.  I am not ashamed of Josie.  I thought it was hilarious.  And I want Al to see it.  As for Underworld and Doom; it could be worse.  It could be American Psycho.  Ah!  In reference to number 8, keep this in mind if you need to buy me a nice gift.

What the fuck was that?

Last night I went into the city and, among other things, saw Evil Dead: The Musical.  It was that or The Wedding Singer.  I was tepid about The Wedding Singer since I had not actually heard anything really good about it.  Evil Dead, I was expecting something campy and goofy.  It was that, but also so much more.  It was flat out good.  Really good. The theatre itself was about 2 stories below ground.  It felt like a bunker and looked like a cross between a performance theatre and a movie theatre.  It was at the New World Stages.  Nice venue.  The bathrooms are really small but they serve you shots (for $4 a pop) from the comfort of your own seat. As for the show itself.  There is a splatter zone of the first 3 rows.  Don't worry, they give you ponchos.  And they were needed.  The show starts off funny and light and goofy.  It's self aware and cracks at Sam Raimi and Bruce Campbell once or twice.  And you expect that.  You go in with your expectations high for pop culture reference and low for an actual musical.  But what is this, dear reader?  Oh, the music is good.  And the performers are so full of energy that cutting of a limb or two won't bring them down.  The songs are bouncy and actually move the story along.  When there's a song in a musical it usually takes one of two forms:

1. The song sums up the action and tells you what you already know.  But it does it in song.
2. The song starts narrating but then plot occurs in the song.  These songs happen during action.

What impressed me most about Evil Dead was that when the songs were off the wall and seemed to be only for comic value they were grounded (to an extent) by becoming type 2 songs.  For instance, there's a male/male tango called "What the fuck was that".  It is funny and silly.  But then things happen during the song and it pushes things forward.  It's not a wasted spot.  Star Wars: The Musical suffers from being completely type 1.  That's not totally fair, I know, since it's only a soundtrack and was never performed.  But it's a musical where not a single song is necessary.  Evil Dead seems crafted to avoid this.  The actual composition makes it so there's not a single song where you feel like they wasted your time.  And in a musical based on a crap movie about zombies who's star is now famous for his chin, that's not an easy task.  It is a quality show. The soundtrack comes out next month and I will be waiting on the edge of my seat to get it.  If anyone is interested in going to the city to see it with me, let me know.  Tickets are cheap, 50% off at TKTS, and the splatter zone is super cheap.  See you there. And happy gentile new year.

Links and news and nearly nothing original...

Well, I think a proper entry back into the world of blogging should consist of nearly all recycled material.  After all, that is the most classic form of the blog.  So here's exactly that: news you've missed and, what the hell, a quiz result.

Locke 54% Skepticism, 13% Religiosity, 30% Dogmatism, 55% Originality

Notable more for his political philosophy, he is nevertheless studied as the first person to refute the notion that we have innate ideas.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on Skepticism You scored higher than 99% on Religiosity You scored higher than 99% on Dogmatism You scored higher than 99% on Originality

Link: The Which Philosopher are you? Test written by jacostyle on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

I don't know how I feel about the "higher than 99%" on everything.  Hell, it's a web quiz.  Ok, no more caring about that.  Onto the news.

Pop Culture

This is frickin' awesome.  This was/is the greatest show ever aired.  Period.  Joss Whedon probably agrees with me on this point.  It's smart, funny, dry, cheaply made and incredibly cerebral.  With spies.  It's like X-Files on LSD, but with more conspiracy and fewer episodes.  The remake (sort of) as Nowhere man was good.  Very good.  And Christopher Nolan is doing the movie!  I trust him.  After Batman Begins I would trust him.  After The Prestige I don't have a doubt.  As for the show, I'm flat out excited.  The new Dr. Who shows that they can breathe new life into their own TV remakes.  Compare this to the Americanization of Coupling and The Office.  NBC will kill it.  BBC will knock the concept around enough that it's not going to be the old series with new special effects.

Joe Quesada and Stephen King.  Together.  Pray for a terrorist to fly a plane into this panel.  This event could possibly be the most awful concentration of crap ever.  I don't mean crap as in bad.  I mean crap as in the negative force against talent in the universe.  Crap comparable to the ancient Greek element of Aether.  Crap as in a defining part of creation.  The bad part.  May I enlighten my readers to an anecdote that occurred the last Wizard Con I went to.  I turned to Chad at the Marvel panel and warned him that Joe Quesada sucks.  I told him that I wasn't trying to get him to leave.  Simply warning him that Joe Quesada is, in fact, a true and holy douche bag.  About 15 to 20 minutes into his speech Joe told everyone in the audience that, yes, he is a douche bag.  And I don't even want to go into the multi-faceted world of terrible writing that is Stephen King.  Ok, I make an exception for anything that's not horror, except his Entertainment Weekly column.  But when you're know for you prolific horror writing, ignoring it when judging your talent isn't really an effective approach.

And here's something just for fun.

News

Let's start out with the current Jesus themed science article of the month: Virgin dragon to give birth in holiday season.  I find this flat out amazing.  Not because it's a possible way to keep endangered animals around without mates.  That's really not feasible since you can't induce this and komodo dragons aren't as endangered as, say, the Baiji Yangtze Dolphin.  No, I just think that this is an amazing accomplishment for a species.  It's the biological equivalent of cloning.  The baby has the same genetic structure as the mother.  You can make all sorts of jokes about men being obsolete or "where's the fun in that" but for an animal this complex (compared to the flies and insects that do this on a regular basis) this is just nuts. 

In the world of politics, this just popped up on a number of news sources.  Bo to the NRA and all that.  Yea to the constitution, logic and the like.  All that aside, the art in this is gorgeous.  The style is strong and very industrial.  Considering the content it's probably a good choice as well as god looking.  I want a copy.  I won't read it unless I want a laugh, but I'll look at the pictures.  But as for the actually depictions, boo.  Not that I'd expect more from the NRA, and it is propaganda after all, but it's so far over the edge as to be laughable from any perspective.  The more balanced propaganda looks, the more dangerous it becomes.  It's not scary so much as disappointing.  Here are links to two interesting studies that have nothing to do with each other.  This shouldn't be a surprise to anybody but this should surprise everyone. Holiday I know I missed doing a Hannukah post but I am in time for Christmas.  I know that a lot of people who read this would like to listen to the Queen Mum's Christmas broadcast on the BBC but how many of you can get radio BBC reception all the way across the pond?  Never fear; internet to the rescue!  It's not up yet since it's not actually Christmas.  If there are any of you out there who don't read up on Web Zen (seriously, because the Queen's broadcast was more of a joke) then you should at least check out their winter links.  How to preserve a snowflake and My Charlie Brown Christmas by the Scrubs (also on youtube) cast are the highlights.  Xmas-Kitten is by far the low point.  By any standard. A great concept; here are volumes one and two of your favorite Christmas songs played in an evil minor key.  Hey, now they sorta sound like Jewish songs... Ok, that's it for my link-vomit post.  I swear, next time I'll have an opinion or something that's actually constructive.  No more leeching.  Happy birthday Jesus.

In memorial

Lucas

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Ok, so it's been about half a year since my last update. Not that I've been out of touch with people that long. Instead, I've just simply forgotten to update my blog. Much has happened, but I've been talking to people instead of posting. How anti-social. Here's the quick version. If you want more detail, get in touch.

Since I've gotten engaged:

• left Borders
• left Barnes and Noble
• got a job at a digital archiving company, so I'm out of retail
• got a job at a library, which is what a lot of MLIS grads say they wish they had done first
• moved out of my house and into an apartment with what's-her-name
• had a kick-ass halloween costume, went to the NYC parade with a certain someone in a sexy halloween costume
• failed to write a novel in one month
• mentioned that "time Lisa Loeb wanted to look at my CDs" so many times that no one wants to hear that again. really, they want me to stop it.
• got even more Hello Kitty presents
• Lucas isn't doing well
• have started reading again
• listen to audio books for about 6 hours a day
• have switched (pretty damn successfully) over to a digital SLR from film
• am much more in touch with the news

That's a pretty good catch-up list, I do believe. Life has been all over the place. Ups and downs. Good things and bad. I've been to the futuer. I've been to the past. I've been all around the afterlife. Oh, wait. That wasn't me. I've had a SNICK party. I've had a cookie party. And now you're up to date for the past 6 months, Cliff's Notes style.

I'm going to be blogging more from now on. I've threatened promised that before but this time around I am on a mission to write more all around. I'm hoping that posting on a regular basis will help keep me on track. Worst case scenario, I'll just have a lot of book and movie reviews up. More likely than not I'll toss out personal anecdotes and news commentary with that ascerbic Spidey (Jerusalem) style that you've all come to know and, if not love, then at least need like a burning junky jones. That said, I'll probably be leaving a real post tomorrow.


P.S. (Or am I supposed to say EDIT now?)  If anyone can recommend any good audio books, that's all I do at work.  Well, not all.  Anyway, let me know.