Spiderman 3

Let me start by saying this:  It was terrible.  Bad?  No.  Terrible.  Want to know why?

Let's start with the acting.  I know Kirsten Dunst isn't the greatest actress ever, but what is with decent people sinking to the level of the movie they're in?  This is like Natalie Portman doing the robot in all three Star Wars flicks.  Toby?  He can act.  He just chooses not to.  Yes, Sam Raimi is largely to blame for handing them shit to work with.  What would you expect to find in a litter box?  An Oscar?  Probably not.

Raimi does seem to be mostly to blame.  Granted, the writing is bad.  But it's not as bad as Spiderman 2.  That was laughable.  I was actually a little disgusted, after getting worked up when I saw Chabon's name in the opening credits.  The main villain isn't Venom.  It's not Harry as Green Goblin Jr.  It's not Sandman.  It's the Black Parade that tempts Peter Parker with it's emo crying and copious amounts of eyeliner.  It turns out that the symbiote suit doesn't bring out aggression, it makes the wearer a pimp.  What was with the 20 minute pelvis pumping marathon?  Honestly, did the camera operators get hazard pay?  If you notice, the women in the background all look disgusted as his dry humps all of the models that happen to be passing him at that moment.  I know how they feel. 

But don't worry.  None of the villains have more than 3 or four lines.  The Sandman has a sappy "save my daughter who has every disease" backstory.  I'm really surprised that she wasn't stuck at the bottom of a well, to boot.  To balance that out, they make his origin story incredibly "funny".  He enters a particle physics experiment site.  Apparently, in the Marvel universe, "particles" does not mean molecules, atoms and sub-atomic particles, but rather sand.  And the best place to experiment with sand?  (Why are they trying to reconstruct sand?)  I know, an open air pit.  It's not like the sand will blow away or anything.  Eddie Brock (Venom without the Venom) is forced onto us with his beautiful baggage of Gwen Stacy.  It's made painfully clear that Brock is a parallel of Parker.  Same job, gonna propose to his girl, ends up with a hand me down suit from Spiderman.  I kept thinking that Topher Grace would have been better as Peter Parker.  He was supposed to be a wise ass in the movie, but Spiderman is supposed to be a wise ass in the comics...  So he's pitted against  the same problems as Parker.  Parker goes back to his normal self when he turns away from the Emo side of the force.  Brock becomes Venom and tries to claw Spiderman's face off.  But why, when Parker faces bigger stresses like being a superhero, and Brock has a lighter outlook to begin with?  It just doesn't make sense.  Also, Howard seems unnecessary, but is still more nuanced, cuter and more interesting.  Parker: leave your super-needy, bitchy, catty, jealous MJ and grab a piece of that Gwen.   Side note:  Why do they have a blond playing the redhead and a redhead playing a blond?  Just asking.

Sure, the acting is sub-par, the script seems like it was outlined on toilet paper and the special effects haven't gotten any better since Spiderman one.  But that's not the real problem.  It's Raimi.  Normally he has a quirky, goofy style.  In one it worked well for a high school kid.  The second movie seemed to suffer a tad from it.  The "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head" scene?  I suppose some people might think it's cute.  But in this?  It's almost malicious, the way he destroys scene after scene.  Sure, I left the second one thinking it was crappy.  But Doc Oc was well done.  I will acknowledge the good parts of the film.  This one is nothing but pain.  There were scenes where the audience was supposed to feel for the characters (like when MJ and Peter were crying on the bridge) and everyone in the theatre started to howl with laughter.  And it was that bad.  It seemed that Sam Raimi was mad at Spiderman fans.  Have they forsaken him and I did not know it?  I thought most people liked the second one.  Then why was he attacking them with such malice?  Allison describes the feeling she got from this as "It was as if he was giving a huge middle finger to everyone who saw it, and telling them to sit and spin on it."  The people I was with turned to me and said that X3 didn't seem so bad anymore.  I said that maybe Elektra deserved a second viewing. 

So the question I was left with was why did Sam Raimi actively try to make something so crappy?  Did something terrible happen behind the scenes?  Was he mad that they were already considering other directors for the 4th?  Something like this doesn't happen by accident.  X3 happens by accident.  That was careless, poorly plotted, schlock editing, and a disregard for the feel of the previous two.  But it suffered from an overzealous desire to make "cool scenes".  That's a well intentioned bomb.  Spiderman 3?  It was almost cruelly directed.  The action scenes were laughable (like when Spiderman suddenly manages to fly horizontally down the 3 mile back alley when fighting Harry), the plot was thin and everyone goes from angry to weepy.  Or, in Peter's case, weepy to more weepy.  And why oh why, when Harry wakes up from his amnesia (amnesia?!  Are you basing Spiderman on a fucking episode of I Love Lucy or something?!)  does he seem to be sedated and gay?  "Hey, MJ.  I love you.  I love you too, Peter.  And now I will got smile a lot and paint.  Oh, MJ, if you need someone to talk to, I'm a good listener.  Just come over and we'll make some 'comfort food'!"  I imagine that they would have ended the night by pigging out on ice cream together and rating how hot male celebrities are.  And speaking of random gay characters, what the hell is up with the butler?  Since when is Harry Osborne supposed to be the next Batman?  "Oh, and this is our butler, Mini-moose.  He's been with us all along."  He's super creepy, probably is just a homeless guy who wandered in and Harry simply thinks he forgot about him with the amnesia.  Seriously, if this guy went to work for Bruce Wayne he would just sit around and ask for more Robins.  "Master Bruce, don't you think you could use a little help?  Some youthful strength?  Strong, supple legs, slick and glistening arms...  Mm.... Robins...."  He would be fired.  How many times can you retcon your own continuity?!  It's not like you're taking this huge universe and trying to work in new ideas.  You made it up yourself 2 movies ago, Sam!  2 god damned movies!  Sam Raimi, I think you owe a lot of people an apology for tricking them into seeing this movie.  For shame, for shame.

This movie sucks.


Unless......




Perhaps it's a genius marketing ploy from Marvel.  Really.  Marvel knows that this movie would sell no matter what.  That's not a problem.  So make it the worst Marvel movie yet.  Really.  Maybe you should get the X-Men trilogy when they box it up.  Maybe you'll give the Avengers straight to DVD releases a shot.  Who deosn't love Black Panther?  And they will still reap a huge profit from Spiderman 3!  Really! 



Instead of seeing Spiderman 3, read the Notes on the First Draft of Spider-Man 3 or, hell, let's go for something completely different: