A meme is born

       Now you can hate like a local... anywhere in the world!  This is what the internet was made for.  Other than porn.  Funny note:  I stumbled on this while trying to find the right spelling of kike (either kike or kyke).  What I found was an education.

Low-Fat Apple Struessel Muffin

from

       A woman came up to the cafe today and started asking about muffins.  It was hilarious.  Let me recount the tale:

Her:  I'll have the low-fat banana nut muffin.
Me:  Actually, it's the low-fat apple muffin.
Her:  Ok, I'll have that.
Me:  Actually, we're out of that.
Her:  That's ok.  I'll have the banana nut muffin.  Is it the same thing as the apple muffin?
Me:  Yeah, it's the same.  Except it doesn't have any apple in it.  And it has bananas and nuts. 

At this point a woman on line started laughing hysterically, trying to hold back but not very successfully.  "That's why it's called a banana nut muffin," she gasped.

I was dead serious at the time but going over it again, I'm crying because I'm laughing so hard.  Oh, lord.

Wolverine: Soultaker

       Normally I don't review comics I read.  There are a few I swear by (Transmet being one) and a bunch I simply enjoy.  There are also a lot I read and don't care about.  I get through about two graphic novels a day at work and have pretty much ready everything Marvel in the store.  I'm working my way through the better Batman as we speak.  But today I read Wolverine: Soultaker and knew I had to tell you about it.        It is, as far as I can recall, the worst comic I have ever read.  It's not just the style, the plot or the basic concepts they play with.  It's the combined gestalt of the work that destroys anything and everything that writers and artists have done since the first comic on the cave walls in Africa.  Don't believe it can be that bad?  At Amazon.com the summary reads as follows:

Like Ninjas? Zombies? Wolverine? Want to see Wolverine fight ninjas and zombies? Then this is the book for you! Wolverine returns to Japan only to get caught in the middle of an ancient war between gods and demons! Can Logan tip the balance for good - and save his soul, Japan and the world? And what does the mysterious Mark of Mana have to do with it? Collects Wolverine: Soultaker #1-5.

       Yes, it's that bad.  In the comic, Wolverine travels to Japan and unleashes the souls of two warring sister/gods out of a magical necklace.  Then, zombie-ninjas (both at the same time) come to like to track down the Sword of Blood, which houses the souls of the ancestors of the sisters.  With it, the evil sister can open a gateway to the demon realm and unleash them upon Earth because she was raised in the suburbs and likes to cause trouble when she's bored.  Wolverine, unbeknownst to the evil one, has his claws purified, blessed and covered in gold.  This is enough to destroy the bad sister and save everyone.  Oh, also, at the end one of Wolverine's friends shows up with a little girl.  The girl hears the sword whispering and the good sister is shocked.  Apparently only the descendants of her line can hear the souls inside!  Here we go again.... Hahaha.        Yeah, it would be funny except that's what the comic really is.  As a joke, it would be funny.  As a fanfic it would be typical.  As actual Marvel material it's depressing.  Yes folks, it's canon.  Accept it.  Marvel has published it.  Want to kill someone?  Me too.        My theory is someone wrote the fanfic, slept with everyone at Marvel and actually got it made.  That's all I can think of.  If you have a better theory, let me know.  Man, I don't even need to review this thing.  It's just pure tripe.  There is nothing to critique because... Well, imagine if you were an editor and someone handed you a manuscript.  Instead of ink, it was printed with actual human feces.  And the punctuation points are pubic lice.  Oh, and it's not original, it's just all of the exposition from every Stephen King story written in the 80s.  You're not going to say it's bad.  You're going to cry and run away from it.  That is my review.        So... full of rage.

Still kicking.

       I meant to respond to my last post sooner but... things came up.  Sound ominous?  It was.  First off, I was a victim of a hit and run.  I was hit, the other guy ran.  Second, I found him the next day and he's being charged on 3 counts: leaving the scene, failure to report and careless driving.  Part of the reason I didn't post this before is because I am in the process of turning it into a story.  I wrote down the basics (in about 7 pages) and need to let it sit before I can touch it.  

       The other thing is that I have been spending my past days after becoming a crime-fighting, vengeance seeking vigilante dealing with the University of Pittsburgh mail system.  Let me tell you, Kim and Amanda make up 2 of the top 10 dumbest people I have ever had personal contact with.  I bought something on E-Bay and told them to send it to me in NJ.  My receipt said it was coming here and I figured I had nothing to fear.  In this day and age, fear is the new black.  Everything should inspire fear.  It was sent to Pitt.  Pitt would not send it to me because it was insured.  I argued that since it was no longer in the custody of the US mail service, being signed for and "delivered", the insurance was no longer valid.  To this Kim asked me "If it was so important, why did they deliver it to the wrong place?"  I immediately came back with, "You realize that doesn't make any sense, right?"  Over the course of 3 days Kim proved not to know that.  She proved to not know a great deal, most of it dealing specifically with mail and other such documents, ironically enough.  At one point she questioned my identity.  I told her I would send her a copy of my student ID, my drivers license and passport, along with a notarized letter giving a friend in Pittsburgh permission to pick up my mail.  To this she asked, "But how would I know the letter was from you?"  "You don't know what notarized means, do you?"  Dead silence.  Fucking geniuses.
       Her boss, Amanda, was less of a help, though instead of getting indignant and insulting she simply repeated key phrases to keep herself calm.  
       "We can only forward 1st class mail."  
       "Why?"
       "Um........ because the shipping fee.  Your package would cost another $6 to ship again."
       "No problem, my friend can drop off the cash for shipping today."
       "No.  We can't do that."
       "Why?"
       "......... Because we can only forward 1st class mail."
Another nugget of gold"
       "What if I send you a notarized letter giving permission to give the package to someone else?"
       "No, I asked about that and we can't do it."
       "Why?"
       "Well, because anyone can sign a notarized letter."
       I exploded at this point.  "What?!  No, actually, they can't.  Notarized means the person signing it is trained, licensed and accountable.  The seal they use is unique so as to be traceable.  Notarized, by its very definition, means that it can't be signed by anyone."
       "...... But we can't do that."
I swear, at this point I think she was crying.  My hand to god.
       Here's the plan.  I'm going out to visit people in the 'Burgh probably in early November.  I will get a rock, glue googily eyes on it and write "I'm with stupid --->"  I will go to the mail office on the Pitt campus and ask for Kim.  I will then hand her the rock and say the following:
       I know things were rocky on the phone.  I was angry, you were frustrated.  I made you this to bridge the gap.  The next time you're here and you get a problem customer, like me, look at it.  You can tell it's a dumb and goofy rock, even by rock standards, by the tacky slogan on it.  Look at it when dealing with this person.  Take a deep breath.  And remember: no matter how frustrated you get, no matter how many questions you find you don't know the answers to, on your best day this rock could do your job better than you, you worthless bleeding cunt."
       I'm shopping for eyes right now.

       Final thought of the night.  Isn't it strange how certain people will always pop up in your life?  No matter how "done" you thought you were with them?  Either they come back or someone else brings them up?  It's strange.  I know, the most vexing and difficult people can teach us how to better deal with anyone but that doesn't stop them from being a complete pain.  Obviously I'm speaking about a specific individual, but I think this holds true to other people.  It has to be a thing, a universal constant.  There are people that you can't cut out completely.  I don't know.  Maybe I'm being a little paranoid.  Maybe the other person has specifically been watching me and stalking me and it's not the universe's fault.  But that would mean that in this situation the less paranoid conclusion is that I'm being watched.  Makes me wonder....