This is not an ordinary film review. I am not going to be reviewing the actual movie Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince. Instead I will be reviewing the movie-going experience. And that experience was awful and just for a little context I’ll start with the good and work towards the bad.
The good is that most of the audience was your typical midnight premiere fan base. They laughed when there was a good joke, gasped when there was a scary moment (well, during the one scary moment) and cried when Dumbledor died. Oh, spoiler alert. But really, the book came out 4 years ago. I think that spoiler’s expiration date has passed.
The medium is the guy who was sitting on my left. I don’t blame him for this as it is a long movie, clocking in at around 2 and a half hours. He fell asleep. Twice. And for long stretches. The first time he started to breath a bit loudly and the girl he was with poked him. He woke up and watched the movie for about 20 minutes before drifting off again. He was quiet and didn’t move around. Overall it was more amusing than distracting. He was obviously there to make his girlfriend happy and was probably less fidgety than if he had tried to keep himself awake. The movie started late so it was actually over just after 3am. Dark room, early AM hours and a movie he’s not interested in. Can you blame him for quietly dozing off?
The bad. This one is the deal breaker and the real story of the night. This is the story of how I was nearly punched in the face and one man probably lost the respect of his child. During the film at some point there was a scene where Hermione is crying and Harry is trying to talk to her. It was at this moment that the man behind me and one seat to my right started making loud snoring/snorting noises because he was bored with character development. I turn around and see a man in his mid 40s sitting between his wife and child (I would guess to be around 13). I shush him. He leans down so his head is just above mine and starts snorting/snoring even louder to make some kind of point. I then tell him to “shut the fuck up”.
I thought that would be the end of the situation. Obviously he is here for his kid so you’d think he’d be aware that there’s at least one person in the theatre he cares about who wants to see the movie. Wrong. He kept making very loud breathing noises sporadically throughout the rest of the film.
The movie ends, people applaud and the lights come up. Everyone either stands to leave to turns to their party to discuss the movie. I look back and see father has been staring at the back of my head, honing the fine art of being exceptionally creepy. I turn to my wife and state “the movie was pretty good, except for the fucking mouth-breather behind us” and motion back. And then the real fun began.
He feels it’s his duty to inform me that “this isn’t your living room”. I am aware of this because if it were he’d be more likely to be tied up to a tree outside then let inside our living room. Instead I tell him that it’s not his living room either. He then goes into a small self-righteous speech where he complains that he makes one noise and gets shushed and this isn’t my living room and what the hell, it’s not my living room. Obviously his brain-needle has reached the end of his brain-record and is just repeating the last line he can think of. I respond by telling him it’s not his living room either however I did pay $10 so that should guarantee I can watch the movie peacefully. He points out that he paid $10 as well, but he should know since this isn’t his living room he doesn’t really have the right to ruin the movie for other people. He looks at me and asks “What do you want?” I say “I wanted to watch the movie. What do you want?”
It’s at this point that he turns to walk away. Every few moments, since the exit line is moving so slow, he turns back to make a threatening gesture here and a dirty look there. I look at him. I look at his kid. I say “Wow, great role model.” And just to prove my point he shoves past his wife and makes a lunge over the back of the row to punch me in the face. I see this coming and don’t flinch; thinking how spectacularly this will prove the point I’m trying to make. And his young son grabs his dad’s arm and is dragged forward as he tries to hold his dad back. This guy is the very definition of class. And this whole time he is trying to hit me I can’t help but marvel at the fact he thinks this proves that he is a good role model. That or he just doesn’t care about his family.
As he’s literally dragged away by his wife and son we all stare. He keeps making faux lunges and shouting at me to “come up here” (he indicates the row where his is, one up from us). I’m not looking at the rest of my group but my wife and I are staring at him agog. His son is still hanging from his father’s right arm this whole time. And I have to because it’s so ridiculous. I laugh. This just leads to him lunging again and being held back by his now very embarrassed wife and his son who looks to be on the verge of tears. This pretty much continues as he’s walked/dragged down the stairs towards the exit. My group is just sitting and staring. Other people are walking and starting. His wife keeps looking at us and shrugging. I don’t know if she’s confused why we said anything or if she’s apologizing so I just look confused (which I am) and shrug back. This whole time the father is shouting at me to do many things, sometimes contradictory. “Stand up and come over here!”, “Yeah, just keep sitting” and so on. And then he vanishes around the corner and is gone.
I was pretty shocked at this whole thing, both at the time and now. Yes, I know I could have kept my mouth shut and my head down but then someone else would end with him behind them at another movie, I’d venture to say at least at the next two Potter films. Someone else would have to endure him making obnoxious commentary through bodily noises. And he’ll never learn a goddamn thing about proper behavior. So instead I did open my mouth. And now his wife will be at the least worried and most likely embarrassed the next time they go to a movie together. And his son will probably not forget this for a very long time. So while I was nearly punched in the face at Harry Potter he emotionally scarred his son for years to come. I’m OK with that.
1 comment:
he prolly went home and beat up his wife or kid.
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